Setting Boundaries

So often in my practice I encounter clients that have long since given up on setting boundaries for themselves. Or perhaps they have set boundaries but continue to relocate the proverbial “line” in the name of love. They seek out advice on how to deal with the bad behavior or make him/her change! In most cases, it is not a matter of “does he/she really love me?” or “If he/she loved me they would behave a certain way.” Changing our relationship with ourselves and life is vital in order to make any long term changes in our relationships with others. It is vital to learn to respect and honor our selves, so that we can awaken to the need to have boundaries that let other people know that we deserve and demand respect.

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. We have not only the right, but are responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with "I feel." When we say "I am angry, I'm hurt, etc." we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define who we are, they simply a inner form of communication that help us to understand ourselves. To verbalize, “I feel…” is accepting ownership of the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves - and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and own feelings. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice—to speak up for ourselves.

Beware of those people who state they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.

For me personally, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to love ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives. Do you set boundaries? Enforce them? Adjust them as you go along--move the proverbial line? I would love to hear from you!