Long Distance Relationships

Absence can make the heart grow fonder…or so they say. But let’s face reality, long distance relationships can be trying. Your loved one is far away. You don't know what they're doing, or who they're meeting! I have many clients that find themselves in this type of relationship, and then wonder why it is so challenging. As if relationships weren't complicated enough, having them across a long distance is extremely challenging.

The first key to success with any relationship and more important with long distance relationships is effective communication. Read that line again…effective communication is just that…effective communication. Not just talking folks! I know some clients that report daily conversations but leave so much unsaid! As most of us learned in high school speech class, effective communication is a process—and involves an exchange of thoughts, ideas, information, and emotions. It is important for both parties to be able to feel that if they need to talk or write to the other person, communication will be welcomed & the other party will participate in the communication process.

The quality of the relationship is more likely to increase if both are able to share feelings openly with each other. The second key to success is a commitment to the relationship by both parties. The level or type of commitment and seriousness will be different for different couples. Being so far apart can be a scary and involves a level of risk for most couples. Therefore there must be a willingness on both sides to take risks—with a demonstrated level of a solid and secure trust between the two people. This doesn't mean that each person needs to skydive from a plane, but rather, that each person will trust that the other person's social life will not be a threat to the relationship. Trust is so important that if it isn't strong, you must make a conscious effort to work on it, both on your own and together as a couple.

This point leads to the fifth key, independence for each person. Of course we should have a healthy level of dependence upon each other—without losing ones identity or independence. When there is an appropriate balance of independence and dependence, each person is allowed, even encouraged, to grow and change as an individual, which everyone needs.

The sixth key element should be naturally present, a mutual respect—for without mutual respect for one another, the rest doesn’t really matter. Finally, none of these other elements will guarantee a successful relationship if the seventh key element is not there--a clear expectations on the part of both people. It is so very important that you figure out your own personal expectations of the other person and the relationship, and then discuss them with the other person so that both of you are clear and/or can work out differences in expectations. Without this, each person is working on a very different relationship than the other, and problems are likely. In other words, make sure you both are at least reading the same book!

One final point about long distance relationships is that you make time together quality time, and build in some alone time during visits. Do things that draw the two of you closer, rather than emphasize the distance between you. Even with the distance you can schedule 'time together'! Have date nights via the phone, computer, or video chat! Get creative--rent the same movie and watch it 'together' over the distance. Anything to maintain a bond or sense of togetherness in spite of the distance.

Beware of the reunion anticlimax! When you get to see each other again, chances are both of you will have built up great expectations of how fantastic your reunion is going to be. However, the reality often doesn't match up to the fantasy.

Many couples feel disappointed and frustrated when things aren't as they'd hoped. You may also find that rather than making love all day there are awkward silences or even arguments. Case in point, when a client's sweetheart returned from overseas tour of duty, she envisioned the typical long-lost love scene you see in the movies—with them making up for all that had been missed. The reality was that it took both of them some time to adjust to one another again. The awkward silences and miscommunication confused them, as they are very committed to one another; however, with time and understanding they were able work through the transition and are stronger for it.

You can prevent this or minimize the awkwardness by making sure you've talked about how you want the reunion to be and recognizing that the anticipation is often better than the consummation! And remember, it may take time to get used to being around each other again.

Throughout time couples have had to be miles apart, and have been able to maintain a solid, happy, successful relationship until they could be together again. In order to find success, there are some key elements that are necessary, which have been explained above. Without these key elements, relationships may endure, although they may not be healthy or fulfilling ones.