The term "emotionally unavailable" usually refers to those who create barriers between themselves and others in an effort to avoid emotional intimacy. Relationships with emotionally unavailable people are often depressing and distressing, as their partners end up feeling neglected, unloved and unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people will actually seek out relationships with others, but the problems begin when they are unable to commit fully to their relationships.
Because emotionally unavailable people often behave as if they want to be in a relationship, it’s important to be able to recognize the signs that a person is emotionally unavailable.
10 Signs of Someone Unavailable Emotionally
Here’s a list of more subtle red flags that may signal unavailability, especially when several add up. They apply to both genders.
1. Flirting with flattery. Men who are too flattering may also be adept listeners and communicators, like snake charmers. Often good at short-term intimacy, some lure with self-disclosure and vulnerability, but they prefer the chase to the catch.
2. Control. Someone who won’t be inconvenienced to modify his or her routine. Typically, commitment phobics are inflexible and loathe compromises. Relationships revolve around them.
3. Listen. Your date may hint or even admit that he or she isn’t good at relationships or doesn't believe in or isn't ready for marriage. Listen to these negative facts and believe them. Ignore vulnerability, bragging, and compliments.
4. The past. Find out if the person has had a long-term relationship and why it ended. You may learn that prior relationships ended at the stage when intimacy normally develops.
5. Perfection seekers. These people look for and find a fatal flaw in the opposite sex and then move on. The problem is that they’re scared of intimacy. When they can’t find imperfection, their anxiety rises. Given time, they will find an excuse to end the relationship. Don’t be tempted to believe you’re better than their past partners.
6. Anger. Notice rudeness to waiters and others, revealing pent-up rage. This type of person is demanding and probably emotionally abusive.
7. Arrogance. Avoid someone who brags and acts cocky, signaling low self-esteem. It takes confidence to be intimate and committed.
8. Lateness. Chronic lateness is inconsiderate, and can also indicate the person is avoiding a relationship, but don’t assume that punctuality means he or she’s a catch.
9. Invasiveness or evasiveness. Secrecy, evasiveness, or inappropriate questions too soon about money or sex, for example, indicate a hidden agenda and unwillingness to allow a relationship to unfold. Conversely, someone may conceal his or her past due to shame, which may create an obstacle to getting close.
10. Seduction. Beware of sexual cues given too early. Seducers avoid authenticity because they don’t believe they’re enough to keep a partner. Once the relationship gets real, they’ll sabotage it. Seduction is a power play and about conquest.
Most people reveal their emotional availability early on. Pay attention to the facts, especially if there’s mutual attraction. Even if the person seems to be Mr. or Mrs. Right, yet is emotionally unavailable, you’re left with nothing but pain. If you overlook, deny, or rationalize to avoid short-term disappointment, you run the risk of enduring long-term misery.
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