Random Ramblings from Lil Mel

Mind Your Own Business

2012-01-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

Knowing when andhow to mind your own business should be common sense. However, knowing how to 'mind your own business' is notknown to everyone. In order to mind yourown business you must first be able to set your ego aside and have respect forothers. Once again, not everyone doesthat. So how does one learn how to mindtheir own business and not poke our noses where it does not belong? Setting myego aside and not wanting to poke my nose where it doesn’t belong, only those interestedshould read on…

As a professionaladvisor and consultant, I am mindful of crossing the line between providingguidance to my clients and when to simply mind my own business. However, I am amazed at how many of myclients tend to stick their nose where it does not belong, is not wanted, norneeded. Minding your own business requiresrespect for others. You need to understandthat the other person is an individual with the ability to make his/her ownchoices. You need to realize that youare not always right and assuming that you are, only implies you have an overinflated ego. Recalling an old Mac Davissong, “Lord it’s Hard to be Humble”, which reminds me of the Mr. or Miss Know-it-Allsof the world!

The best advice evergiven to me was, “Live and Let Live”.

Advice always sounds good from people who have, been thereand done that. Such as, parents,teaches, or professionals who sadly we often choose to tune out. However, when someone who assumes to know itall offers unsolicited advice, it is so irritating. Giving advice or helping when asked is a goodthing, but simply being nosy and giving ‘well meaning advice’, when not askedis not good! So, it is important thatpeople understand where to draw a line when it comes to giving advice. If youaren’t asked, keep your mouth shut; and if you are asked, leave the ego out ofit. Secondly, keep it brief and respectthe other person’s rights. Suggest only what you have done in similar situations NOT what they should do. Thirdly, if you have no personal experience to bring to the table or offer, then do not pretend or make stuff up to make yourself sound better. Finally, do not be offended or upset when they reject your advice and do the exact opposite--after all, it is their right to make their own choices.

Having said all that…

The key to knowing when and how to mind your own business isto check your ego at the front door and respect others. When a person is humble enough to accept thatother people are entitled to have their own opinions, that person is mindinghis own business. Keep in mind, just as you have the right to make your ownchoices, so does others.

'God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.' ~ Authorunknown, variation of an excerpt from "The Serenity Prayer" byReinhold Neibuhr

Today's Guidance

2012-01-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

"The greatest step towards a life of simplicity is learning to let go. Stop allowing anyone or anything control, limit, repress, or discourage you from being your true self! Today is YOURS to shape - own it - break free from people and things that poison or dilute your spirit." (Steve Maraboli)

I have openings this weekend and will be available for phone and chat session via the Talk/Chat Now feature until 11 pm CST w/short breaks as needed throughout the weekend. If you do not see me available, place a callback and I will sign in as soon as possible.

Please visit www.lilmel.com to set up prepaid appointments or use the TALK/CHAT Now feature to your right to connect with me!

Creating Self-Love

2012-01-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever found yourself holding onto resentments, guilt, or humiliation? Holding these feelings inside, feeding them, and refusing to release them often breeds anger, depression, and a feeling of worthlessness. These negative thoughts and attitudes seep into our daily lives, blinding us to the everyday blessings that await us.

As humans, we are much too hard on ourselves. Many of us believe that being perfect is a requirement for being valued. Having worked at something only to fall short of our goals causes us feel as if we have wasted our time and energy for nothing; promoting feeling of self-loathing and guilt of having failed yet again.

What we need to keep in mind is that we are lovable even as we stumble; even more so when we fall. For by taking the risk of trying, we may stumble, but we learn, we grow, and then we move on. In all honesty, I believe I have experience more learning and growth during the times I stumbled and fell; even if it did take me a while to pick myself back up!

By releasing and ridding ourselves of the harmful buildup of resentments, we start to forgive ourselves. This process can bring us everything we seek; ability to concentrate, renewed energies, clarity, love, and a sense of playfulness…you name it! The rewards are endless!

Many of us struggle with the issue of forgiving others and especially ourselves. We find it difficult and near impossible to release feelings of guilt. While our intellect tells me that holding onto all these negative feelings is counterproductive; it is easier to revert to old behavior patterns. After all, that is what we are familiar with; it’s cozy, comfortable, its home! And as we all know, there is no place like home! J

I think it is important to learn to practice forgiveness starting within ourselves. For as we begin to forgive ourselves, release the resentments, and lovingly embrace ourselves, we project a loving healing light that touches those around us.

Having said all that…

Starting today let's make a pact to work on releasing any feelings of resentments, guilt, and self-anger we may have within. We can start by working on letting go of the negative thoughts, attitudes, and self-image. Let's surround ourselves with self-love; creating a warm bubble of pink, capturing allowing only Divine love to penetrate this bubble. For today we will forgive ourselves and accept that we are awesome human beings and start learning to love ourselves unconditionally again!

Reflections: Out of Chaos comes Sanity

2011-12-31T10:07:00.000-08:00

A year ago, as I faced the beginning of a new year, I was filled with sadness, despair,uncertainty, and anxiety as I wondered what 2011 would bring. While others were filled with thoughts, excited,and celebrated what the new year would bring, I was at the lowest period of my year.

Surprised to find myself in that 'dark place' once again, I sat in tears as I looked back over the past two years and relived all the challenges, disappointments, struggles, changes, and personal losses I had endured. This time a year ago my little family had fallen apart--each lost in their own struggles and life challenges. My adult son was struggling with his own personal demons and desperately trying to crawl his way out of his own hell--paralyzed with fear as I watched the pieces of his life & family being destroyed by his demons. My youngest, my daughter, was devastated as her little fairy tale world crumbled around her--wondering what happened to the 'prince charming & happily-ever-after' story she dreamed of for so very long.

I watch helplessly as their worlds crumbled around them, knowing there was nothing I could do to "fix" their lives. Hell, I couldn't even fix my life at that time! I had made the choice to relocate to pursue a relationship that was unhealthy for me, with a man who did not love me 'as is' but as the woman thought he could mold me into, leaving me feeling unwanted, unloved, unworthy, and without a sense of 'belonging'. I was facing a major surgery for a knee injury and wondered how I would care for myself after the surgery and if I would ever be able to run again.

Yeppers--it was a very dark day for me a year ago today. But, true to form, God did not leave me in that dark place--He held my hand and lead me back to the light as He always does.

Fast forward through the year 2011 to present day--

We made it!! All of us--me, my son, & my daughter! My son, although he still has his challenges, has clawed his way out of that dark spot and implemented positive changes to his life. Making healthier choices for himself and his family--and becoming the man he always knew he could be! My daughter survived the crashing of the fairy tale & death of prince charming. She is emotionally healed, healthy, happy, and in her last semester of Pharmacy school.

As for me, I made the decision to reclaim my self-esteem, self-worth, and my life! The first step was removing myself from an unhealthy situation & relationship and be true to myself. I relocated back to my home and began the healing process. Surrounding myself with my family, those who love and accept me 'as is', and healthy activities I found my 'happy spot' again!

All those worries about not being able to run again? In October 2011 I ran and finished the Rock n Roll Marathon--all 26.2 miles! Running the marathon reminded me of my life. Life, like running a full marathon, is not easy-- at times it's tough, times we want to quit, times we have to stop and gather the strength to continue...but if we keep putting one foot in front of the other we will eventually cross that finish line!!!!

2011: Wow, what a ride!

2012: Here we Come--BRING IT ON!!!

Happiness is Worth It

2011-12-15T05:15:00.000-08:00

I recently received an email recently from a client I dealt with last year. It was great to hear from her. The nature of this profession is that I mostly talk to people when they are in crisis or when things aren’t going so well, and I often wonder how they are doing and what has happened in their life.

I found this email inspirational. She had a tough time last year. Things had not turned out for him the way she had hoped. She was at the end of her 25 year marriage and things weren’t looking so great.

She could have been angry, bitter and resentful at how things had unfolded. Instead, she decided to get on with it. She learnt what she needed to learn, grieved when she needed to grieve and most of all took responsibility for her part in the process.

A year on, having done her work, she’s now able to move on with her life. She deserves happiness and has found it – good for her.

There are no sure things in life. Sometimes it simply doesn’t turn out the way we want it to. We can’t control other people or events the way we would like to sometimes. We can however, control what we do about it.

The happiest people I know don’t need a reason or event to be happy – they simply are happy because they choose to be, and if they’re not, they do something about it. A former co-worker of mine was unbelievably, disgustingly happy and positive all the time. If you ask him how he is he would say, ‘fantastic’ or ‘terrific’ or ‘couldn’t be better’. And guess what his life was like. Yup – fantastic, terrific and couldn’t be better. You just had to smile around him – he’s a real gem.

Imagine if everyone truly felt like that about life. Radical thinking!

Wisdom comes with experience, good or bad, it doesn’t really matter which as long as you learn from it. My client from last year has. She would not be where she is now without growth, experience and the desire to be happy. At the end of the day, that’s all any of us want, isn’t it – to be happy? Sometimes it isn’t easy, but it’s always worth the effort!

Melody “Lil Mel”

Melody "Lil Mel" McGowan
Life Coach, Author, & Professional Advisor
Let Your Heart Heal Life Coaching

Normal appointment hours are Monday through Friday 10am-9pm CST
Monday and Friday Evening Appointments only. On Call Saturday and Sunday

If you need immediate assistance, please use the Click4Advisor Feature, if unavailable, place a callback and Adviser Lil Mel will sign on to take your call as soon as possible.

Away From Your Computer? Call 1-888-626-7386, Ext 13152

Christmas Through the Eyes of a Child

2011-12-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

The joy that Christmas time brings is never more apparent than when seen through the eyes of a child. If you are a parent or grandparent, then you probably know how much this holiday means to the children in your life.

Close your eyes and think back…

Do you remember the joy you felt at Christmas when you were a child? Do you recall the first decorated store window? Seeing twinkling lights, pretty dolls, and shiny trucks that filled you with excitement and wonder? Everything was so innocent; so magical. Every kid filled with anticipation of Santa's arrival. Oh how they must be good because Santa could see everything they did!

A lover of Christmas and all its wonders, this holiday season is more special to me because I have been experiencing it through the eyes of my 3-year old grandson! So far this season we have taken in St Louis Festival of Lights, marched down Olive St following Santa to Macy’s department store, enjoyed curbside seating for the Thanksgiving Parade, and today rode the Holiday Magic Train to Edwards Jones Dome to visit the large indoor winter wonderland called Holiday Magic!

As we spent the day strolling through the magical holiday wonderland, I was reminded of the joy of being a child and the magic of Christmas through the eyes of my grandson. His eyes still sparkle with a fascination for the unseen, the fantastical, the impossible, and the magical. Every moment is an opportunity to laugh and dream, to do what we adults call playing, pretending, or make-believe. But there is nothing pretend about space rangers, cowboys, cowgirls, transformers, and super heroes, and the "bad guys" for my little grandson. This is his world. And perhaps, it is ours, too.

Christmas is a day to be reminded of one child's birth and gives us a chance to return to a time of innocence. To become children again and see the world with wonder – not the world as it is-- but what should be. We can't merely make the decision to do this. We need a child to lead the way, to show us what years of pain & disappointment have blinded us to. Seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child is the only way to see it, the only way to get past ourselves and believe again.

May Christmas always bring you an ageless magic to fill the heart and eyes of the child that lives in you.

Holiday Traditions: Ever-Changing

2011-11-25T06:38:00.001-08:00

Normally stressed about the impending holiday season, I often complained, "I'm not doing this again next year!" Whether its decorating the entire house for Christmas, accommodating schedules for a Thanksgiving meal, or resolving conflicts over the timing of that darn Christmas Eve get together--each year I experienced these once welcomed traditions as dreaded events.

These traditions began when my children were small and after my divorce. Since my former husband's family lived out of state and gathered on Christmas Day, I created the Christmas Eve get together as a special way to celebrate with my children. Opening presents Christmas morning at home with me, they would leave immediately after to spend the rest of the Christmas break with their father and his family. Over the years, as children got older moved away and have families of their own the value of the event grew into the highlight of my year! I loved keeping these traditions and enjoyed these time honored traditions and looked forward to preparing the celebration for many years.

Today, my children and grandchildren gather at this traditional event. The difference is that they all have other family traditions to honor & scheduling is often a conflict. The original meaning of these holiday gatherings have changed. They no longer represents drawing people together with anticipation and excitement. Now it is one more chore, a sign that the tradition needs updating.

"Can you change traditions?" I wondered

Of course you can--our holiday traditions have been slowly changing; evolving over the years.

One of the highlights of the holidays was the week before Christmas baking with my daughter. We would bake cookies, cakes, breads, and make up treat trays! Not only did we bake for our small family, we made up trays for family members, co-workers, neighbors, & other important people in our lives. Another highlight, was driving down to Kentucky to visit my mother & siblings for a weekend--delivering the holiday trays, spending time together, exchanging gifts and swearing we should do this more often. Of course we could only handle the one weekend together (sometimes less) but it was fun for the short time we had. :)

However, due to hectic schedules & time constraints, over the past few years the baking was replaced by store bought baked goods. The trips to Kentucky were less frequent & ceased completely after my mother's passing last year. Although these are cherished memories, with the families growing, changing, distance, and time constraints maintaining all those holiday traditions is too difficult and sometimes too painful. For example, my mother used to talk me through making meatballs via the phone and webcam. We would laugh & giggle our way through my feeble attempts to recreate her award winning meatballs!! I haven't made meatballs since her passing. My friend Jo related a story how she & her mother did the holiday baking together and played cards while waiting on the cookies--she hasn't baked since her mother passed away. Sad...but it happens.

Hearing similar stories caused me to reflect my own changing holiday traditions.

"What's really important about holidays?" I asked myself. For me, the point of holidays is spending time with the ones I love and care about. To show each person how I really care about them. Tears sprang to my eyes as I thought of those cherished memories of those no longer with us, with the "traditions" that can never be again. Then a light went on, perhaps my mom flipping the switch for me, some of my traditions are outdated and lost their meaning. With this awareness I decided it's time to create new ones!

This holiday season I have taken a more flexible attitude when it comes to scheduling time with family. Searching for fun inexpensive or free holiday events, I have numerous things schedule to do either on my own, with grandson, or any family member that is able to attend. Thanksgiving morning was spent at the big parade downtown St Louis with my son & his family, a first for us, but so much fun. The Thanksgiving meal wasn't served until the evening time after my daughters arrival--another first for us! As for the "traditional" Christmas Eve get together...I will have to see what everyone's schedule is like! As long as we spend some time together it doesn't matter if it's Christmas Eve, Day, or even the day after Christmas! :) Maybe this year I will make meatballs...won't be the same, but I betcha I can find a smile or two as I relieve some cherished memories of my mom.

As this holiday season approaches filled with past traditions and rituals, take time to reevaluate the meaning of your traditions. Are they still providing the original meaning? Is a tradition creating more stress than value? Is there another way to convey meaning that would be simpler or more effective? If it's significant, maintain it. If it has lost its purpose or meaning, create a new one.

May you have a happy and meaningful holiday season!

Living in Truth & Intergrity

2011-11-21T06:55:00.000-08:00

Are you living a life of "Truth & Intergrity"?

We are living in times of a great challenge and great awakening.
We are being called upon to remember the simple and profound truth of who we really are. Now is the time to be very honest with yourself. To be true to yourself in how you live your life; all your activities and your words.

To create a life of truth & intergrity, you must let go of anything that is not the real you, and those activities that do not show your true intentions. If something in your life isn't working, now is the time to let it go. If you desire change and speak of change, let your actions reflect change.

For years I voiced my concern over how unhealthy my smoking habit was but I did nothing to change it. Finally, 6 years ago I decided that my addiction to smoking was unhealthy and unacceptable way of life for me leading me to the consious decsion to overcome this addiction. Having made the decision was only the first step, following up with actions was necessary to complete the transaction. Putting down the cigarettes, seeking out medical assistance, and developing a support system to overcome my addiction were necessary actions. By following up my words with actions that mirrored my desire to "kick the habit" , I was living in truth & intergrity.

The above is but one simple example of living within your own truth & intergrity. Releasing unhealthful situations, attitudes, or behaviors begin with the spoken desire to change--followed with actions to facilitate change.

You want to be a kinder person?
Then practice acts of kindness.

You want to be more loving?
Then practices acts of love.

Want to rid yourself of bad habit or addiction?
Then takes actions to STOP!

You love someone?
Your actions should reflect this love.

Value your relationships?
Your behavior should reflect the value you place upon them.

You want to be honest?
Then practice honesty in ALL situations!

The list goes on & on, but you get the idea.

Now is the time, "Let go of anything inauthentic, and all activities that do not mirror your highest intentions for yourself." (Dorreen Virtue)

Letter to God

2010-09-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Today is my birthday and I thank you for my life here on Earth. My friends and family have asked me repeatly what I wanted for my birthday this year. I have been pondering what to ask for this year. I have googled many items, flipped through all the catalogs sent to the house, and browsed all the colorful ads in the newspaper. So many awesome things available, and yet I need nothing.

It dawned on me as I was out for my morning run. I have two strong legs, two good ears to hear the air fill my smoke-free lungs, two eyes to see the beauty of nature, and the ability to feel the cold on my cheeks. I am able to breathe in the scent of the smoke of the fireplaces.

I have people in my life who love me. Most of these folks love me “as is” and readily forgive my weaknesses, faults, and mistakes. These are the ones who reach out to me when I start to retreat to that dark place I sometimes wander. I have people who smile and wave when they see me out for my morning run; stop to chat with me in the park. There are kind faces in public places; they smile at me and say hello. I have a multitude of online friends that stop by and say hello; total strangers to me but yet not. I have folks I can turn to for advice, support, a shoulder, listening ear, or as a sounding board that I appreciate dearly!

I have two wonderful children that I love to death; and still appreciate my advise and guidance; most of the time. I have beautiful grandchildren that remind me of the joys of childhood! I have a playful dog & two fat cats that shower me with attention and affection that I love to spoil. I am blessed with visits from red-tail hawks to remind me my departed loved ones are still near; I do so enjoy watching those hawks take flight.

I have all this, while others have so little; the poor children who are without food, clothing, and love. Those who go hungry, all the lonely and sad people in the world, and let’s not forget, those who serve our country in foreign soil unable to be with loved ones on their special day.

Although this year has been, and continues to be challenging, on the material level I need nothing! For all my needs have been fulfilled.

Today I discovered that for myself, I have nothing tangible to ask for this year.

So instead, God, can you be so kind as to sprinkle the lives of my children with blessings. Protect and guide them on the path you have designed for them. Let all of us enjoy good health, strength to overcome obstacles put in our paths, friends and family to love, the door of hate be closed and the door of love opened, plenty of food, warmth, and shelter. And especially bless those service members who are protecting the freedoms of others; keep them all safe, let them feel your precious love, warmth, and blessings.

Thank you...Amen

Setting Boundaries

2010-08-31T15:24:00.000-07:00

So often in my practice I encounter clients that have long since given up on setting boundaries for themselves. Or perhaps they have set boundaries but continue to relocate the proverbial “line” in the name of love. They seek out advice on how to deal with the bad behavior or make him/her change! In most cases, it is not a matter of “does he/she really love me?” or “If he/she loved me they would behave a certain way.” Changing our relationship with ourselves and life is vital in order to make any long term changes in our relationships with others. It is vital to learn to respect and honor our selves, so that we can awaken to the need to have boundaries that let other people know that we deserve and demand respect.

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. We have not only the right, but are responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with "I feel." When we say "I am angry, I'm hurt, etc." we are stating that the feeling is who we are. Emotions do not define who we are, they simply a inner form of communication that help us to understand ourselves. To verbalize, “I feel…” is accepting ownership of the feeling. It is important to do for ourselves. By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings. We are affirming it to ourselves - and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and own feelings. Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings. It is vitally important to own our own voice—to speak up for ourselves.

Beware of those people who state they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate. The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is: when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.

For me personally, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to love ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives. Do you set boundaries? Enforce them? Adjust them as you go along--move the proverbial line? I would love to hear from you!

Emotional Honesty

2010-08-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

Often in the desire to find or maintain a relationship, many folks fall into the trap of being and doing things which aren't aligned with who they really are. What starts out as a small sacrifice can become a regular habit - giving in to please your partner. To be happy long term, all of us have to not only know ourselves well, but live and act in accordance with our authentic selves.

I call this being "emotionally honest". It sounds easier than it is. We are all conditioned that in order to be happy, we have to be flexible and willing to compromise in a relationship. I read somewhere recently where a woman said the secret to a happy marriage was to let her partner have the final say, to let things go.

I believe there's an important distinction that needs to be made here - it depends on what you are compromising on.

If we compromise on something things that matter deeply to us, we will eventually end up unhappy. If you are single and compromise on a less than ideal partner, the doubt and uncertainty will wear down the intimacy. If you are in a relationship and continually give in on what to you are important issues, you will lose respect and feelings for both yourself and your partner.

That's where emotional honesty comes in. By all means compromise, just not on the big stuff. You can't afford to. Continual half truths or agreements that you aren't happy with leads to resentment, unfulfillment and an erosion of intimacy. Don't think your partner will thank you for it either. Almost always the other person says they would far rather have known the truth at the time.

The idea then, is to know yourself well and follow through on that - make who you are and what you want an intrinsic part of how you behave. Let that be your guide, even if it means short term pain. Be honest with what is going on for you, and be clear with your partner or prospective partner the reasons why. More than anything, being true to yourself is where happiness starts.

When you do that consistently, you're then in a position to start giving and connecting with them from a position of strength and from a happy inner self. "To thine own self be true". Good words to live by.

Sometimes, Saying Goodbye is Impossible

2010-08-21T14:29:00.000-07:00

My Mother
Beckoned to Join the Angels on June 5th, 2010

I Will Not Say Good-Bye

Long Distance Relationships

2010-08-20T06:51:00.000-07:00

Absence can make the heart grow fonder…or so they say. But let’s face reality, long distance relationships can be trying. Your loved one is far away. You don't know what they're doing, or who they're meeting! I have many clients that find themselves in this type of relationship, and then wonder why it is so challenging. As if relationships weren't complicated enough, having them across a long distance is extremely challenging.

The first key to success with any relationship and more important with long distance relationships is effective communication. Read that line again…effective communication is just that…effective communication. Not just talking folks! I know some clients that report daily conversations but leave so much unsaid! As most of us learned in high school speech class, effective communication is a process—and involves an exchange of thoughts, ideas, information, and emotions. It is important for both parties to be able to feel that if they need to talk or write to the other person, communication will be welcomed & the other party will participate in the communication process.

The quality of the relationship is more likely to increase if both are able to share feelings openly with each other. The second key to success is a commitment to the relationship by both parties. The level or type of commitment and seriousness will be different for different couples. Being so far apart can be a scary and involves a level of risk for most couples. Therefore there must be a willingness on both sides to take risks—with a demonstrated level of a solid and secure trust between the two people. This doesn't mean that each person needs to skydive from a plane, but rather, that each person will trust that the other person's social life will not be a threat to the relationship. Trust is so important that if it isn't strong, you must make a conscious effort to work on it, both on your own and together as a couple.

This point leads to the fifth key, independence for each person. Of course we should have a healthy level of dependence upon each other—without losing ones identity or independence. When there is an appropriate balance of independence and dependence, each person is allowed, even encouraged, to grow and change as an individual, which everyone needs.

The sixth key element should be naturally present, a mutual respect—for without mutual respect for one another, the rest doesn’t really matter. Finally, none of these other elements will guarantee a successful relationship if the seventh key element is not there--a clear expectations on the part of both people. It is so very important that you figure out your own personal expectations of the other person and the relationship, and then discuss them with the other person so that both of you are clear and/or can work out differences in expectations. Without this, each person is working on a very different relationship than the other, and problems are likely. In other words, make sure you both are at least reading the same book!

One final point about long distance relationships is that you make time together quality time, and build in some alone time during visits. Do things that draw the two of you closer, rather than emphasize the distance between you. Even with the distance you can schedule 'time together'! Have date nights via the phone, computer, or video chat! Get creative--rent the same movie and watch it 'together' over the distance. Anything to maintain a bond or sense of togetherness in spite of the distance.

Beware of the reunion anticlimax! When you get to see each other again, chances are both of you will have built up great expectations of how fantastic your reunion is going to be. However, the reality often doesn't match up to the fantasy.

Many couples feel disappointed and frustrated when things aren't as they'd hoped. You may also find that rather than making love all day there are awkward silences or even arguments. Case in point, when a client's sweetheart returned from overseas tour of duty, she envisioned the typical long-lost love scene you see in the movies—with them making up for all that had been missed. The reality was that it took both of them some time to adjust to one another again. The awkward silences and miscommunication confused them, as they are very committed to one another; however, with time and understanding they were able work through the transition and are stronger for it.

You can prevent this or minimize the awkwardness by making sure you've talked about how you want the reunion to be and recognizing that the anticipation is often better than the consummation! And remember, it may take time to get used to being around each other again.

Throughout time couples have had to be miles apart, and have been able to maintain a solid, happy, successful relationship until they could be together again. In order to find success, there are some key elements that are necessary, which have been explained above. Without these key elements, relationships may endure, although they may not be healthy or fulfilling ones.

Soulmates

2010-08-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

Much has been discussed and written on the topic of Soulmates. So many of my clients speak of either wanting a soulmate or believe they have met their soulmate, but wonder why the relationship is so difficult. Several years ago, after some discussion, a friend sent me a wonderful article on the topic of the Soulmate relationship. It left quite an impression on me at the time and wanted to share it here. If anyone knows who the author is, I would love to know to give proper credit for if it as if the author stole the words from my head & heart.

Here is what was written:

When we are born we begin a journey. Along the way on this long winding path we eventually end up seeking many things. One of which is love. In the beginning, it is from our Mother & Father, then our family, community and so on. Eventually, assuming everything goes right, we begin to find we have a void within us, which other forms of love can't seem to fill.

We have all known loneliness, a dark emptiness within our soul which seems to stretch for an eternity. We feel like we are apart of nothing, just drifting aimlessly upon the sea of humanity with no destination, nor land in sight. At times despair is like our wet clothing as we shiver cold and alone in the darkness. To distract ourselves we dream of "The One" and how they will lift our spirits and take away the emptiness, this absence of life.

For some, eventually someone comes along and brings light to this darkness. But as humans, sometimes we are by this time so starved to be "touched" that we unknowing make compromises which, if we were rational we would not make. Thus the saying. "Blinded by Love ". Because, of these compromises, we may never find our true predestined love.

Many of you now, are not in a "Soulmate" relationship. The truth is you got tired of waiting and you settled for the best "offer" at the time. This was your choice, and now is your Karma. But in your heart, in your soul, you know if someone is your Soulmate, for it goes beyond just love. It is a form of joining.

When you meet your, (SM) this person will have an instantaneous effect on you. A Soulmate is someone who makes your knees go weak and you want to catch your breath. With but a single glance they lesson your burden and but a smile, warms your heart. You will feel a sense of connection ( affinity ) with this person. They will touch you so deeply on so many levels, you will want to share your inner most secrets. For the first time in your life someone will make you feel like almost like a god. Once you have met your (SM) for better or sometimes worse, your life will never be the same.

One of the things which makes this experience unique is the sense of a meaningful spiritual experience. You both feel like this is to be and that you've been together before in a past incarnation. Normally for some, it is several months, weeks or days before physical intimacy (sex) occurs. But when you meet your (SM) something happens, the pull or drive to become physically intimate overwhelms many, and one finds it happening basically in the initial meeting. There's a sense of safety with this person. You knowingly let go of your defenses as an empathic like bond is formed. Unlike other relationships, in the past, there will be no game playing or hidden agendas which plagued you in the past.

Sometimes the best way to find something, is by not looking for it. With this in mind, you probably will meet your Soulmate (SM) when you're not looking. Since life revels in making things difficult, you'll probably meet them in the morning when your on the grave yard shift. For many it will be after a bad relationship or several bad relationships. If you're lucky you won't have to wait until your 50 to meet your (SM). But if you do. well at least you'll appreciate it's significance more, than someone in there twenties. You have had the benefit of experience, the perspective of age and the knowledge, such love is once in a life time.

The point here is "Serendipity", so forget about taking that "Singles" bus tour to the Circus. Sure you'll meet a lot of nice people and perhaps you really should get out, but just be prepared to ..Well, meet some real clowns.

The universe is a funny place, don't be surprised if your Soulmate is older or younger. Soulmate's don't care about age. How much older or younger ? From my observations, expect years like 7 to 20. In a true (SM) relationship it won't matter, if anything it will make you stronger. Life is not neat, nor has it ever been. So why should it start now ?

There is something about the Passion you share with an (SM). It goes beyond just " body parts". For a moment in time you two are the only ones who exist in the universe. Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls have intertwined themselves becoming one. Your personal energies meld and you feel the flame of creation move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summers day. Soon you begin to lose track, of where you begin and your partner ends. From within the depths of your raw passionate union, your (SM) will know how and where to touch you. It will be different, intense and more gratifying than lovers of your past.

They will look into your eyes and you will feel your soul open wide. For some people, there is the "Rush". All the love, all the lust, all the need will surge forth from your soul like captives from a prison. At this moment you will know what it means to get lost within someone's eyes. You will experience a touch you have never felt before and your lust will rise to new levels. Often, in the case of true Soulmates, you can get so carried away you can actually hurt yourself. But in the end as you lay there, as the warm afterglow begins to fade, you will realize what just happened was not sex. "Sex, simply doesn't feel this good."

To put it simply, your (SM) will be able to make love to you in ways no one else will be able to match.

It is within our nature as human being to mess things up. The very thing which makes Soulmate love so special, is the one thing which can bring it down. The simple fact is, the unparalelled love & passion is terrifying to many people.

We learned how to have relationships from our parents or primary giver. If your primary givers relationships were dysfunctional, then chances are so are yours. There are many people in this world who in relationships maintain an extreme amount of emotional control. They take pride in the fact that their partner is madly in love with them. By being able to "wrap them around their finger" they feel safer. Thus, all their relationships become based on this pattern. Then one day their (SM) comes along and wham!. Quickly they discover the control over their heart and the relationship is gone. Now they must relate on a level playing field, and for many, they run.
It is like having your tender soul ripped from your body. You feel lost, abandoned and betrayed. There is a sense of panic which permeates your very being and personal existence. You find yourself saying, "never again". You did something you had never done before, you willingly let another in....all the way.
For those of you who are runners let me tell you what you already know. It doesn't work. You can move to the other side of the planet, marry someone else and fill up your spare time with some cause. But the simple truth is, your (SM) will be there in your soul. No matter how hard you try, no matter how busy you make yourself, everyday they will enter you thoughts. So then many try and screw them out. But that doesn't work either, for it becomes just sex and as you lay there afterwards you will feel empty and cheated.

A good measure of this is a simple test. After you have just made love to the person who you are using as a safe substitute, do you find yourself wanting to "get away" from them? A kind of "Okay, I got off..now get away from me feeling"? This is assuming that you can still get off. In some cases your orgasms are just barely, if you're lucky. When you were with your (SM), didn't you feel the need to remain close, to pull each other tightly and melt into each other? That's the difference....and one which is very hard to hide from yourself.

If you run, then you've made the conscious choice to doom yourself and the other person to be haunted for the rest of your life. Sure, you may eventually fall in love with someone who fits your preconceived image or expectation (cute, rich or successful) of what your partner should be. But as time moves on...you never forget, you always wonder and then you eventually regret. I have a saying:

The Soulmate relationship is worth putting up a fight, but there comes a time when you have done all that you can do. And you can do no more. At some point, the one who runs has to choose to stop and come to their senses. Life is sadly cruel, just as it is grand. Short of burying your child, losing your Soulmate is indescribable anguish.

Eventually, after the shock, the depression comes, then the anger and then you just want it all to end. You wish you could just stop feeling...but you can't. And no matter how much you drink, smoke or eat, you can't make the pain go away. Yes, regular love hurts too and badly. But when you lose your (SM), no matter how enlightened, wise or talented, in both will and spirit you are...it is devastating.

Many of us sadly, fail to recover and we truly never "Love" again. Those who are really weak, try to kill themselves. Be it with a car speeding on a wet winding road after drinking, or "J" walking on 42nd street, to just taking one too many pills. The end result is the same if we succeed, suicide is suicide whether you leave a note or not.

In the end, we don't even want to see the person, because that just tares open the wound over and over. Right or wrong, that's just the way it is. Eventually, you go on with your life and you stop hating them...because like you...they will never forget either.

Every now and then life gives us a happy ending. Sometimes, after trying to get their (SM) out of their minds, the "runner" comes to realize what they had lost. A few are wise enough to do whatever it takes to correct the situation and get back into their Soulmates arms. Hopefully, not enough time has gone by so that the situation is salvageable. But oftentimes it's not. All I can say is TRY. With Soulmates there is NO pride, and there CAN be forgiveness. We are destined to meet our Soulmate, what you do after that is "your" choice.

We are born into this world alone and we begin our journey. Few are lucky we find the right partner, "The ONE" along the way. With this person we grow, learn and experience the wonders of human existence. They become part of us, as we become part of them. Eventually, our journey must end as we were born to die, alone. But in between these two points we hopefully have learned, experienced and gained some wisdom with the chance to pass it on.

As I walk my chosen path I say to those of you who shall follow me, this is but one part of the road which lay ahead of you.
Author Unknown

In my lifetime, I found two Soulmates. I know the joys, the exquisite highs and the sense of oneness, completion and peace. Yet as we turn the coin on the other side, I also know the ongoing torment of losing one. I hope you never have to find out how it feels....to lose part of oneself. But if you do, know this: "You will survive. Your life will never be the same, but given enough time you will survive" At such a moment, you are not able to see that way. Once you do survive, the choices, good or bad, are your responsibility...and life will be what YOU make of it.

Stepping Out of the Past

2010-08-01T10:13:00.000-07:00

In order to live life successfully today and move toward the future that the universe intends for us, we must step out of the past. If we don't our past will color and taint everything we see and affect all that we do. If rejection and pain has been a part of your past and you haven't released and completed the healing process, you will experience every situation, event, circumstance, or person through the eyes of rejection.

This past few months have been filled with numerous absolute endings for me; people have been removed from my life, circumstances have changed unexpected and swiftly, and I sense a clearing of the decks for new opportunities, adventures, and spiritual growth. As difficult and scary as change may be--going from the known to the unknown is a daunting task even for an adventurous spirit like me--stepping out of the past is a necessary part of our spiritual growth.

One of the biggest problems we tend to have with moving out of the past is the unwillingness to forgive the people and events of our past. By refusing to forgive the past, we remain attached and prisoners of the past. Personally, I have spent the better part of this past year practicing what I teach by focusing on forgiveness and releasing resentments. No longer a prisoner of my past, I am looking forward to a wonderful new future. As I approach my birthday next month, I do so with a sense of wonderment & awe, anxious to see what lies ahead for me!

No longer is the past interfering with opportunities and adventures before me--I am finally experiencing a true sense of freedom. I am truly embracing the fact I am who I am...ever changing, evolving, learning, growing, and simply experience "life" and all that it entails!

Cleaning Out Closets!

2010-07-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

Most of us understand the concept of how holding onto the 'old' can interfere with the 'new'. In order to let something new in, you have to release the old. This is true whether you are focusing on a new relationship, starting over, a new 'you', or just a 'new' outlook on life. Think of letting go of the "old" to make room for the "new" as cleaning out your psychological closet by letting go of what's old, out-of-date, and useless. That means we must clean out and release fears, patterns, lovers, and family traditions that keep us stuck in the past in order to prepare for new beginnings.

Imagine a clothes closet jammed full of clothes (I bet most of you can easily relate to this). You can barely squeeze one more article of clothing into the closet, and you have to fight to pull the clothes out, and they ended up looking wrinkled & crushed. Many of the clothes are old, tired, torn, out of style, or just do not fit anymore!

As a metaphor, it means that you are holding onto worn-out ideas, patterns, beliefs, desires and fears, no matter how useless or outdated--just like your clothes. It's time to examine them, air them out, and discard them, if necessary. That opens up space inside you to accept something new, at a higher level of development.

What does it take to change your inner patterns? Actually, it helps to start on the physical level by cleaning out a closet--if you don't want to tackle that, try the attic, basement, garage, or kitchen. "Spring cleaning" no matter what time of year it is done, allows us to sort through possessions and decide what we really want to keep and what it's time to let go of. Allow yourself an entire day to clean out your "closet". Believe it or not, it is a big project (physically as well as emotionally). Letting go of your possessions, even clothes, especially old favorites, can be quite traumatic. As you sort through your clothes, consider the following questions or statements:

*Is this something I really need or want? (tatty, gray, stained, old, dirty)

*Is this something I really won't wear? (too big, too small, out of style)

*Am I keeping it for sentimental value, even though it is out of style? (my first boyfriend loved me in that outfit)

*I've never worn it, but I liked it when I first bought it? (but now it is covered with dust)

*I look good in it, but I've never had anywhere to wear it? (sound familiar?)

*It's such an old friend, even though it's totally shredded? (Friends don't let friends look ugly)

*Do I fit these clothes any longer? (Ah, well maybe I will lose some weight--let's face it, most of us will never be the same size we were 10 years ago!)

If you have any clothes that fit any of those criteria, its' time to let them go (just like any outmoded beliefs or behaviors). Those clothes reflective attitudes you have about yourself that are unrealistic, out-dated, or self-deprecating, which hold you back and prevent something new from coming in. This process may take a few sessions to complete. But upon completion you will find that not only have you "cleaned your closet", you have literally cleaned your psychological closet as well. Releasing old ideas, beliefs, attitudes, and let go of those things from the past that hold us back or no longer serve our higher purpose.

As you begin and complete each 'cleaning' project you will find that a huge burden has been lifted as the weight of those old ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes are released. Let's not confuse letting go of the past with letting go of all of those memories. For some memories are good and can bring pleasure to us, however, it is more of letting go of those that no longer serve us presently and which hinder our letting in the new.

While "cleaning out your closet" may sound like I am simplifying the need for the occasional 'psychological cleaning', if you try this just once, you will find that you will come out ahead emotionally--and will reflect in your life in amazing ways!

I recently relocated leaving the only home I have known for the past 22 years! As you can imagine, in preparation of the move, I engaged in some "Spring cleaning" myself. With downsizing foremost in my mind, I tackled several closets, storage areas, and even painted & spruced each room. In doing so I have released so much emotional garbage that has held me back from creating my own "new beginning". My last task was to clean out my clothes closet; as a Virgo I am known as the proverbial pack-rat, hence why this particular project was saved for last!

Now that the heat wave has limited our outdoor activities this is an excellent time to take the plunge and clean out those closets! :)

Transitioning through life

2010-07-24T04:56:00.000-07:00

Transitioning through life...

As we know, life is jam-packed full of milestones! Life IS transition. From childhood to teen years, to adulthood, to middle age-- from school to work, from no kids to kids, from empty nest to grandchildren, from job to job, location to location, making new friends, losing old friends, losing loved ones...health issues, financial issues, etc etc; and some aren't easy! However, to not transition, is to stagnate!

With each milestone comes a transitional period; each transitional period brings new stressors into our lives.

For example, when my children grew up and moved out, I faced an extreme sense of loss and change in identity. Being pro-active about the transition helped move me toward acceptance of this new season of life. It was a great time to rediscover myself and explore the possibilities for the second half of my life!

As with any life transition; retirement, starting a home based business, divorce, seperation, kids moving away, health, or financial issues the process takes time. Part of this transition involves establishing new roles, new responsibilities, new relationships, and a new perspective. The trick to adjusting to all this “newness” is in the attitude or perspective; overcome the challenge by looking at it as an opportunity!

A successful transition does not ‘just happen’, it takes time. Allow yourself a fair amount of time to adjust to the new arrangement before throwing in the towel, pulling your hair out, or resorting to anti-depressants! {The six month rule would apply here.} The key to a successful transition is to develop a new routine, re-define ‘roles’, consider all your possibilities, express creativity, and find some new hobbies or interests.

For me, the most helpful in adjusting to my new life was creating a new daily routine. For example, including running/walking and going to the gym daily. Those two activities occupy most of my mornings. These activities allow mental and emotional stimulation, as well as a chance to socialize.

And to express my creativity I took up writing again--and published two books!!

Adjustment comes in different ways for each of us; weight lifting/running is my thing, but might be the least activity you desire. There are many options available; volunteer or community work, clubs, or church groups. The key is determining what fits your personality, interest, needs, and situation.

As this is a sharing forum, I welcome any comments, suggestions, or insight for those struggling with such a major life transition.